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| Fort Worth 1950 |
My life journey began at 12:15 on a sunny spring afternoon May 27,1951. By all accounts I was a happy child although most of my childhood remains shrouded in fog, there are a few things that stand out. My earliest memory is of my third birthday party and its just a flash of me running around with the other toddlers at our house on Martin Street. I got a set of play dishes that I loved. Back then play dishes were made of metal and not plastic, so I had a whole set of miniature dishware and little mini baking pans. It must of had a profound effect on me as I still have a flair for things in the kitchen with over 50 years of cooking experience of one sort or another. The next thing that pops up regularly is from my Beginners Sunday School class when I was around 4 or 5. We were supposed to sing a song that we knew in the group circle. When it came to be my turn, the only song that I could remember was Elvis Presley's "You ain't nothing but a Hound Dog'. Of course this scandalized the church in 1955 as Elvis played that 'devil music' rock and roll. The two voices I always heard playing in my house were Tennessee Ernie Ford and Elvis Presley, both favorites of my Mother. I couldn't remember any thing Ernie sang at the time so I went with Elvis.; The look on my teachers face was priceless and I really could not figure out what all the uproar was about.
As I grew older, I began to notice differences between most other little boys and myself, but it was nothing I could put my finger on. I got along better with adults and girls than I did with boys. I also became somewhat of a dreamer, as I read a lot. I loved reading as it always took me away from where I was and I could become someone who I was not. Around the age of seven or eight, it became readily apparent that I was not like other boys. I had my first crush on a boy in my class named Kirby. He was the all American boy, good at all the boy things I was not. I would go over to his house and play on some afternoons. I loved it when he got on the swing set with his shirt unbuttoned and his tan litheness on display. I did not equate this with sexuality at the time, I just knew I liked him better than anyone else. I also became friends with the boy who would become my best friend in elementary school by the name of Neal. I liked him because he, like me, liked jump rope and dodge ball better than baseball or racing each other all over the field.
Neal and I also enjoyed another of my interests that I usually did not get to indulge in. When I was smaller I enjoyed playing dress up with the other little girls, but that became taboo as I got a little older. Neal though reveled in pretending to be a beauty queen and I played along as Miss Congeniality. Neal also taught me how to masturbate. Physically, puberty had already hit him and I was still not there when in the 5th grade I had my first sexual experience with another boy, Neal. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, but I knew instinctively this was not something I could share with anyone. It was to be our secret and I kept that secret for many a year before I could tell anyone.
I did the Cub and Boy Scout thing, although I was never very good at it like my older brother. I was more interested in rushing home from school to catch the original Mickey Mouse Club. It seemed the meetings were always on the days that featured the Hardy Boys adventures on the MMC. I thought they were the coolest guys who could figure out any mystery around. They or there type usually figured into my fantasy scenarios as someone I wanted to be.
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| From Top Left, Me at 6 months, 3 years, Second Grade, High School Senior, and Standing Watch at Boot Camp. |
My fantasy life began as early as the first grade. I used to daydream I was someone else with a different name. I did not particularly like my given name, so I would think of a name I might like and create a 'personality' around that name. It kept me from hurting from dislike of who I was. I knew I was different but I could not figure out how or why and as I approached puberty, bouts of depression began appearing in opposition to my usual manic happiness. My Dad had me figured out long before I figured my self out. he used to tell me I could do most of the things I liked to do and still be a boy. He recognized that I was happier in my feminine and emotional side than with my rough and tumble side.
I generally excelled in school until junior high when puberty hit and I could not understand all the many things happening in my mind and body. It really confused me when boys started noticing girls. I could never figure what the big deal was. I continued to have crushes on boys, but had not yet equated that with sexuality. Sex education was not present in our home, the most information I got was from a boy scout film dad took us too when I was 12. It explained all the physical changes. But it gave me nothing to deal with the emotional part of coming of age.
I have always had a face that says talk to me and people do. Other kids w3iould come to me and I could listen and figure out solutions for their problems whereas I had no clue how to solve my own. I was wracked with guilt and despair over my secrets, and it had become clear to me it was not something I could discuss with anyone at my church or school. Depression, despair and anxiety started making regular appearances, however I was usually a good enough actor to pull off semi happy to happy for the most part. Religion had introduced guilt and condemnation and at times these feelings were overwhelming. Yet I could not get solace from the church, because my secrets were anathema to religious folks of the time and even so today with some of the more fundamentalist of various religions.
The things I heard a bout people like me were horrendous and scary. It was also pounded from the pulpit and reinforced by rote. I got so confused, I was not any of those things, but I was one of those people. It was also about this time that I realized that the person I most admired and wanted to be, my Mother, was not something I could ever be. That was a big mind fuck. My mother had always been a leader in the church and community and was well respected by those in the religious and political communities. My Mother and I are very similar in personality although I carry a healthy portion of my dad in my personality too. I had always felt that I was in some way a disappointment to my Mother and I finally figured it out, I was not her little girl and never could be. Whenever my efforts would fall short in some way, it seemed always that I was compared to the girls my Mother worked with in the church. "My girls can do such and such, why can't you?" was a recurring theme. I had begun to hate who I was because I could never be who my Mother had wanted me to be. I excelled in my studies up to this point and was a leader in my Sunday School classes. Yet I was strangely depressed about who I was and there was no one who I could think of who could or would understand.
When Junior High came around, Neal and I were in different classes and lived around the corner from each other. I would go visit and we would play our games and then I would come home. One day when I was coming home, my older brother and some of his friends were sitting on the curb when they observed me coming home from Neal's house. They asked why I was visiting with him and did he do things to me. I was horrified that they had somehow figured out that we played our games and my brother and his friends made fun of me mercilessly. I never returned to Neal's house after that and we grew apart. Then he moved to Dallas with his family before high school and I never saw him again.
In those days there was no Internet and school libraries did not carry books on sexuality. There was no sex ed at home or school and I was adrift in a world that confused and frightened me. Yet there was no one which to turn. Religion for all its promise of peace and happiness brought guilt and pain, excruciatingly so. I kept all these things hidden in my heart where no one could find them. However all this secrecy would take a toll on me that I am still paying today. Thanks to therapy, one day soon hopefully, I can tell the toll taker to fuck off, but for now I am still paying the toll for holding all these things in so tightly all these years.
Next week, puberty with all its surging hormones and emotional traps and pitfalls of one sort or another. Junior High was a desolate place for me the inadequate younger version of one of the most popular boys in school. Another comparison I was destined to loose. But more on that next week.
For your listening pleasure today, I have my favorite of Ludwig von Beethoven's Piano Sonatas, the Number 8 in C Minor, Opus 13 "Pathetique". The recording I have in the car is by Dubravka Tomsic, a protegee of Arthur Rubenstein and I love it. I first became aware of this piece when I began listening to "Adventures in Good Music" with Karl Haas. He introduced his program each night by playing the first section of the Adagio cantabile before going into what he was going to relate to us that evening. I now keep the Adagio cantabile on repeat in my car as my zen peace for when I need 5 minutes of beautiful peace. However, Venice Classic Radio plays a different rendition done by Radu Lupu, who won the prestigous Van Cliburn International Piano Competition here in Fort Worth when I was a sophomore in high school (1966). What is the difference in the interpretations, you say? Ms Tomsic plays the peace at the standard tempo beautifully whereas Mr Lupu plays the same piece at a slightly slower tempo throughout. This lends a hauntingly beautiful effect on all three movements as opposed to the more manic standard tempo, most notably in the adagio cantabile. I have included both versions for you in the playlist with Ms Tomsic going first followed by Mr Lupu. Mr Lupu concludes his video with Beethoven's 32 Variations in C Minor WoO 80. Listen for yourselves and decide which version you like best.
Piano Sonata No.18 op.13 in C minor 'Pathétique'
1. Grave - Allegro di molto e con brio
2. Adagio cantabile
3. Rondo, Allegro
Dubravka Tomsic, Piano
00:00 1. Grave - Allegro di molto e con brio
10:13 2. Adagio cantabile
17:17 3. Rondo. Allegro
22:23 32 Variations in C minor WoO 80
Radu Lupu, Piano
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Finally here is a selection of handsome young Men in Jeans for you to peruse. Thanks for the visit, do come again. And as always, Enjoy!
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