Wednesday night when I was writing my post, I was reminded once again that homophobia still exists in Texas among other places. I was uploading the photos from the disc, doing it as quickly and surreptitiously as possible when the group of teenagers behind me started snickering and calling me faggot. First at whisper level and then louder and louder till one got up in my ear and loudly said FAG! I said "You have a problem with that?" he responded with "I wasn't talking to you" to which I in return said "You had better not be". At this point everyone in the library was looking our way, yet no one said a thing. The group of teens quieted for a minute or so until they started once again. Everything I pulled up garnered a laugh or snicker or faggot comment. People in the library looked and looked, but still no one said a word. I got to the point where I was finished with my post, but looking at other sites with a homosexual theme, not necessarily photographs, but still the group of teens kept on. As I was only one and they were several, I took it up myself to log off the computer with 20 minutes left on my time, stood and walked out with as much dignity as I could muster. Rather than wait outside the library for the bus to come or the group of teens to come out looking for easy prey, I walked the four blocks to the transit center and relative safety to await the arrival of my bus. I was humiliated, angry and frightened all at the same time. I seethed all the way home and was irrationally angry at everything.
The events of the evening had triggered my PTSD and I was basically dysfunctional. I dropped 4 sleep aids and went to bed arising the next morning to go to work. Unfortunately, I was still dysfunctional and could not accomplish anything. A gratuitous cursing rejection on one phone call triggered a crying jag and I just fell to pieces. Fortunately, my coworkers and my are caring individuals. My boss took me into the conference room and we talked for a while before he suggested I take the rest of the day off, assuring me that this would not affect my standing as a good employee. I am very grateful to him for the time off as it really did give me a chance to regroup and recover. I took the bus to the transit center where I could change buses to go home or somewhere else. I decided to go to the library to get on line, but about half way there, I stopped and could not proceed for fear of running into another group of less than hospitable persons. I should not have to fear going to the library. I got angry then sad and depressed again. I was not yet stable enough for another go round of bigotry and homophobia just so I could get on line.
I then caught the bus home, changed clothes and headed off to see my friend Mike at the geek shop I go to. It was good to see him as it had been a while since we had a chance to talk for we both work the same hours now. I got on one of his computers and check my email and a few blogs and basically chilled with Mikey in a safe environment. I told Mikey what happened and he got angry too. I must tell you Mikey is not one of us (wife, 3 boys) but he is definitely a friend of the family. It is really cool that I have straight friends who get as upset about homophobia and bigotry as I do. It is also very cool that they are there for strength when events such as this rear their ugly head to take random shots at you. After Mikey got off work he came by the apartment to check on me and brought some attitude adjustment with him. That did me a world of good and I started to unwind and become more like myself.
By Friday morning I was almost normal and at least functional at work. I don't like myself when I get weirded out like I did. I was angry at myself for not doing more to stand up to that group of undereducated thug wannabes. I felt less than I knew myself to be and that my personage had been violated. This is what bigotry does. This is why we must fight it every step of the way. I wish I had been braver, but I did not have any real desire to get my a** kicked either. In a place where people go to gain enlightenment it is a shame that there are those who refuse to be enlightened. It is also a shame that no other person could bring themselves to say something to this group of teens. I fear it will be while before I return to the library which is a shame as it is one of my favorite places, or used to be until now.
Part of the reason I started Nichevo was to use it for a cathartic outlet for expressing my feelings. Writing this story has helped put the whole matter into perspective for me. As my friend Karen said there is nothing I can do to change what happened, I can only change how I feel about it and how I react to it. I just wish it had not happened, it triggered memories of the bashing I took where I lost most of my teeth and many others that I wish to forget. But forgetting is not the answer, remembering is. By remembering, and using that memory to try and educate others as to the effects their words and actions have on those around them, we make the world a better place. It is my hope that in the relating of this story, someone else will realize that we can make a difference, even if it is only one person at a time.
Now that we have that out of the way, I will close with something to make us all feel better or at least horny. I will be ghost writing at Boys Are Ugly But So Cute Sunda, Monday, and Wednesday while Ryan and Mike are in Daytona for the 500, Patti from Patti-Cake Land is ghost writing the days I am not so be sure to stop by check it out. So until next time as always, Enjoy!
All photos processed with Picasa2
The events of the evening had triggered my PTSD and I was basically dysfunctional. I dropped 4 sleep aids and went to bed arising the next morning to go to work. Unfortunately, I was still dysfunctional and could not accomplish anything. A gratuitous cursing rejection on one phone call triggered a crying jag and I just fell to pieces. Fortunately, my coworkers and my are caring individuals. My boss took me into the conference room and we talked for a while before he suggested I take the rest of the day off, assuring me that this would not affect my standing as a good employee. I am very grateful to him for the time off as it really did give me a chance to regroup and recover. I took the bus to the transit center where I could change buses to go home or somewhere else. I decided to go to the library to get on line, but about half way there, I stopped and could not proceed for fear of running into another group of less than hospitable persons. I should not have to fear going to the library. I got angry then sad and depressed again. I was not yet stable enough for another go round of bigotry and homophobia just so I could get on line.
I then caught the bus home, changed clothes and headed off to see my friend Mike at the geek shop I go to. It was good to see him as it had been a while since we had a chance to talk for we both work the same hours now. I got on one of his computers and check my email and a few blogs and basically chilled with Mikey in a safe environment. I told Mikey what happened and he got angry too. I must tell you Mikey is not one of us (wife, 3 boys) but he is definitely a friend of the family. It is really cool that I have straight friends who get as upset about homophobia and bigotry as I do. It is also very cool that they are there for strength when events such as this rear their ugly head to take random shots at you. After Mikey got off work he came by the apartment to check on me and brought some attitude adjustment with him. That did me a world of good and I started to unwind and become more like myself.
By Friday morning I was almost normal and at least functional at work. I don't like myself when I get weirded out like I did. I was angry at myself for not doing more to stand up to that group of undereducated thug wannabes. I felt less than I knew myself to be and that my personage had been violated. This is what bigotry does. This is why we must fight it every step of the way. I wish I had been braver, but I did not have any real desire to get my a** kicked either. In a place where people go to gain enlightenment it is a shame that there are those who refuse to be enlightened. It is also a shame that no other person could bring themselves to say something to this group of teens. I fear it will be while before I return to the library which is a shame as it is one of my favorite places, or used to be until now.
Part of the reason I started Nichevo was to use it for a cathartic outlet for expressing my feelings. Writing this story has helped put the whole matter into perspective for me. As my friend Karen said there is nothing I can do to change what happened, I can only change how I feel about it and how I react to it. I just wish it had not happened, it triggered memories of the bashing I took where I lost most of my teeth and many others that I wish to forget. But forgetting is not the answer, remembering is. By remembering, and using that memory to try and educate others as to the effects their words and actions have on those around them, we make the world a better place. It is my hope that in the relating of this story, someone else will realize that we can make a difference, even if it is only one person at a time.
Now that we have that out of the way, I will close with something to make us all feel better or at least horny. I will be ghost writing at Boys Are Ugly But So Cute Sunda, Monday, and Wednesday while Ryan and Mike are in Daytona for the 500, Patti from Patti-Cake Land is ghost writing the days I am not so be sure to stop by check it out. So until next time as always, Enjoy!
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